Sunday, December 28, 2014

How Watching "The Interview" Became My Patriotic Duty

Happy Holidays America!
Great Christmas this year, family all gathered 'round the tube following a feast of epic proportions, post prandial cocktails, and a bong load or five... to watch "The Interview".
Really, I can't think of a better way to spend Christmas; loved ones together, a table groaning with the weight of more bounty than the average North Korean will see in a lifetime. 

If they're lucky a North Korean, they might see as much food as we enjoyed in one sitting, in the totality of their lives.
Ponder on that for a moment.

Now take a look at any one of the thousands of photos of Kim Jong Un littering the pages of newspapers around the world.
Remove the ridiculous 1950's Mao suit, drop him in some baggy jeans, plant a Dodgers ballcap tilted sideways with the E.R.A. decal still stuck on the bill down on hs dome, and he looks like any other fat kid strutting down the street in Koreatown L.A. 
Kimmy, 5' 3" and 240 pounds, with a 48" waistline, looking for all the world like a walking talking blackhead ready to puss purge under it's own pressure, is one amazingly fat Asian. Even here, where one has unlimited access to Mc Donalds et al, does one rarely take in the sight of an Asian man of such corpulent scale.
Like his grandfather and father before him, it's pretty clear dude hasn't gone an hour without stuffing something down that portly piehole.

So when given the opportunity to see a film by Seth Rogen and James Franco, and the super hot Lizzy Kaplan, satirizing the assassination of this human caricature; who could resist?
Normally I would have, not being one of those people who go to the movies on Christmas Day, it would have been quite easy to miss this film.

Until Kimmy and Co. decided to tell American's what we can watch.
For that reason alone, I paid the $14.99 to BUY the film, rather than rent what will surely be a onetime viewing. Unless of course Kimmy throws another psycho tantrum, then we'll be forced to institute a national day of "The Interview".

Fuck You Very Much Kimmy,

American Reality Party

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The night they tore old Russia down...

One of my favorite songs growing up, "The Night They Tore Old Dixie Down" by The Band, keeps playing in my mind as I watch the price of oil fall through the floor.

Only Russia takes the place of Dixie, the time of course will be summer of 2015, rather than the "summer of '65". The song's protagonist Virgil Kane, will be any number of dudes named Ivan; called by one of their anonymous wives, to watch live on TV as Vlad's helicopter peels away from the Kremlin as the peasants storm the gates. Just as Virgil witnessed the defeated Robert E. Lee retreat to Appomattox for the final battle of the Civil War.

Vlad you were warned.
Russia, you were also warned, now it's up to the last remaining vestiges of your demoralized democracy movement to activate the cells in your military.
Really you're only hope to stave off the imminent starvation of your economy, and your people will be to remove Vlad; and remove him quickly.

Cease your Ukraine folly, return your troops to Russian soil, and rejoin the realm of civilized cultured nations.
There's still time before implosion, but at least one of you dithering fools needs to act decisively.
Tolerance for the midget Vlad has come to an end.
There really is no need to make millions suffer for the hubris of one, is there?

You decide.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Just Lie a Little...

How was your experience in signing up for the Affordable Care Act?
Personally, I've yet to do so.
Why you may ask, is that the case?
Well, after several phone calls with boiler room bullshitters, I found out that I cannot get immediate coverage today, even if I pay for it today.
Unless, I'm willing to lie and say that I've experienced a major life changing event in the last 60 days.
Guess what's not on the list of major life changing events for health insurance coverage?

That's right people, if you're recently hired, fired, married, or divorced you qualify.
But if not, you only have to lie about it, pick one of the above; nobody is going to verify it.
At least that's what I was just told by Lighthouse Insurance.

So you might ask, "what's the big deal", lie and sign up.
I'll tell you why, there was no guarantee that verification would not happen, there was no opportunity to even ask a question, as the Lighthouse broker rudely interrupted when I tried to ask, more than once, because she already knew what I was going to ask.
I love people who are smarter, and more perceptive than me, they make my life so easy....

That call was the last I will field with regard to this piece of legislation indenturing me to an insurance company.
After all, if a lie will get me covered, a lie can also uncover me.

Monday, July 14, 2014

National Park Internet Surveillance Service

Thank God for those tax payer paid web monitors employed by the National Park Service, the Bureau of Land Management, and the National Forest Service!
Without their active internet surveillance of social groups like the Central Valley Hikers Group, a Meetup Group based in Fresno Ca., we would never know about the sinister terrorist attempts to take advantage of the public lands we as taxpayers have paid so dearly to collect.

And continue to pay dearly for their upkeep.

I'm guessing this is what becomes of the hall monitor.
You know, that dweeb in school who was constantly getting pantsed in the hallway, or having a fearsome wedgie wrapped around his Dumbo like ears. Yeah that guy.
He's busy checking out Meetup Groups, that he would typically be excluded from after one visit, just as his sparkling personality revealed itself.

For those of you reading this blog who are not familiar with the Valley, we are the gateway to Yosemite, Sequoia, and Kings Canyon National Parks, arguably the finest in the West.
Should you visit any of these parks, there's a good chance you'll be passing right through Fresno and or several other surrounding farm towns that feed this nation and the world at large.

For those not familiar with Meetup; it's a nonprofit website to the best of my knowledge, that provides a platform for people to form social groups based on their shared passions and pursuits.
The Central Valley Hikers Group, is just that, a group of individuals who gather together to hike, backpack, and otherwise enjoy the bounty of our local parks with other likeminded individuals.

No one collects a fee for scouting, planning, or leading any hike within the group.
In fact, every action taken by any event planner in the group, has been entirely free.
The only money exchanging hands is between those who are riding and those that are driving for the sole purpose of sharing fuel and park entry costs.

But now, we have the hall monitors rearing their ugly heads again, in a vain attempt to label this group a for profit enterprise. Thereby requiring, entry permits for the group, insurance, and basically any other money grab these government trough feeders can think of to screw us out of our right to use what we have already paid for, and continue to pay for.

Central Valley Hikers Group follows to the letter every law, and rule regarding the rightful usage of our local parks, both state and federally administered. Furthermore, the fact that we rideshare and follow a strict "pack it in pack it" out philosophy, ensures that we as a group have a far smaller impact on the areas we visit, than do the masses of single cars holding one to three individuals meandering through our parks tossing their trash as they go.

Trough feeding hall monitor, hear me now believe me later, we are the best friends you have in the park you administer. To alienate us only serves to prove that you as a trough feeder have placed yourself in the "Us vs. Them" position.
Remember, there's a lot more of us, than you.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Ikraine, Ukraine, Wekraine

Czar Vlad, saw the pics of you greeting farmers in the fields of Stavropol, sporting jeans and a shirt. Very glad to see you opted for the shirt this time; still reeling from the searing shock on my eyeballs of your last episode of soft white bellied political porn"Vlad's Gone Bad". When shit like that comes creeping across the screen during lunch, it makes even In 'n Out a challenge to finish.
Dude you're short, you're stumpy, really kinda dumpy, with a face so forgettable if you didn't have Russia by the throat politically you wouldn't merit a passing first glance. Let alone a serious look.
JFK you 'aint.

Once again though you've demanded, and received our attention little man, so please share your myopic midget's vision of Russia's economic sphere of influence.
But first, can I suggest something new for you Vlad?
Go for something a little less Soviet/Czarist Re-Tread, and maybe something a bit more modern day Russia Realistic. That means, at least to most of us around the globe, that you start work on reeling in the thuggery and graft at home, before you coerce 'er I mean entice other Fourth World Countries to join your fiefdom. It's really your only legitimate hope to attract some other megolomaniac running a poor misfortuned former Soviet sub-state.

Unfortunately, that's the only path you know, because that's Russian history in a nutshell.
Rather than make a compelling offer of cooperaiton based on mutual benefit, you're trudging down the turgid path of lead or gold. Lead for the peasants and intelligentsia of any given target of conquest, gold for the overlords who implement your plans for re-conquest of lost empire.

History repeats itself again, though this time not in the media vaccuum of times past.
In real time we're all treated to the un-abated wholesale blitz of propaganda from both sides, along with ghoulish footage of slavic brothers killing each other at the whim of a kleptocratic-sociopathic dwarf.

Like I said Vlad, something new would be welcome.
Here's my suggestion; declare yourself retired, allow real democracy a chance to gain a foothold.
Then just hang back, enjoy the bazillion dollars, and equal amount of euros and pounds sterling, you no doubt have squirreled away around the globe. Everyone knows Russian banks aren't worth a shit.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Washington Redskins?

The saga continues...
Today the US Patent office announced the cancellation of 6 trademarks associated with the Washington Redskins NFL franchise owned by Daniel Snyder.

Not the first time this action has been taken, later overturned by a judge who couldn't see where the term "Redskin" could be interpreted as disparaging.
I wonder if Mr. Snyder who is Jewish, or the judge who made this decision (probably Jewish), would consider the term "kike" disparaging, as applied to themselves?

How about the "Washington Kikes", or the "Washington Oligarchs", "Washington War Mongers"?
Any of these three examples, and many many more are far more appropriate than "Redskin" ever was.

Next inevitable step taken by Mr. Snyder, will be to send his attack attorneys after this decision, in his ongoing effort to maintain the racist status quo of his team and the NFL.

Mr. Snyder, do you really wish to be cast in the same light as Donald Sterling?
You know the guy, he just had his NBA team yanked out from under him as he disparaged the very people who made him his billions from sport; while establishing he and his wife Shelly as the poster children for all that ails America.
The two of you, or three if we include Shelly, have a lot in common.
Donald's been the laughing stock of the NBA forever, while wielding a reputation as the worst owner in professional sports. Your tenure as owner of the Washington franchise, though shorter than Donald's, has yielded some pretty spectacular fails, in a very short period of time.
Those snickering voices in your head? Those are your NFL peers.

However the true question remains, are you the same kind of arrogant, racist oligarch believing as Mr. Sterling does, that he pays for everything? Even the right to denigrate, humiliate others less powerful than himself?

Mr Goodell, will you take a similar action to Mr. Silver's of the NBA?
Acting decisively without hesitation, Mr. Silver lanced the boil from the NBA's ass that the Sterlings always were. If you ask nicely Roger, Mr. Silver might loan you his needle.
At the very least, your first move should be to gang the other owners up into a cabal that will force a name change, failing that your next course is regime change coupled with a new name for the team.

Like moving the goal posts to the back of the end zone, it makes sense.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

ACLU vs. Fresno City, County, Stupidity

To paraphrase Gomer Pyle: "Welll gaawwleee, as if a blind man didn't see this a comin'..."
If you know Fresno, the way I know Fresno, then you know Gomer's a perfect metaphor for this backward looking, 19th century agro slave camp.

People so thoroughly imbued with the governments War on Drugs Kool Aid campaign, that they can't see the truth for the haze of hate they've helped perpetuate.

Then we have Fresno, both the city and county governments, a perfect example of local overreach.
Here, and in other neighboring counties, those in power filled up on that sweet concoction of deceit and loathing for the peoples will, have taken an approach to circumventing that will, by enacting a system of illegal health and safety "code violations" against otherwise law abiding citizens.

Using Fresno's official reasoning; that these home grows promote violent crime, brings up some interesting points for us to discuss.
For instance, I'm willing to bet that more violent crimes take place at locations like liquor stores, bank ATM's, shopping center parking lots, and college campuses, than have ever occurred at grow houses.
Taking the official Fresno concern a step further, why aren't they also shutting down these establishments?
If you people in charge are truly interested in our wellbeing, why aren't you focusing your efforts where the stats show enforcement needs?
And we haven't even begun to talk about the ongoing car theft plague, the rotary doors at Maggie's jail, and the way we allow sex offenders to leave the cozy confines of prison, where they should reside for life.

Guess what Fresno?

This is going to go as well for you as the shopping cart episode.
Bean counters, yeah you people writing the checks for these entities, warm up your pens, because you're going to be writing a lot of checks, for a lot of dollars.

There goes your Fulton Mall street to nowhere Ashley.
Maggie, you may have to put off the quarter million dollar redo on your office as well.

The ACLU, the courts, and the people who pay your outrageous salaries, particularly your salaries Maggie Mims and Jerry "photo op" Dyer, are going to send your antiquated ideas of law enforcement packing into a more appropriate setting. Perhaps, a museum on poor bureaucratic judgement and prioritization.
We could call it the Fresno Museum of the Ostrich, with dioramas of all the county and city wigs with their heads buried in the sand.