Mr. Brown Part 2

Just received word from my client, that after two weeks and one day; the bright new full of promise, six pound package of DMX lighting equipment I shipped from California finally, heroically arrived in Dallas, Texas. Wearing the road weary countenance of a trackside hobo shelter, my poor piece of cardboard cartonry collapsed on the shipping dock breathing it's last, destined for the burn pile.

This is Texas man, we burn all that shit!

It only travelled from Cali to Texas, back again to Cali, before wending it's way by goat path back to dynamic Big D. Land of the Great UCF Blackhole, where all worthy parcels are lost in the expanse of space populated by the especially lame and foolish.

Given the time it took to travel, the condition it arrived in, the very "special handling" attention received; one can safely assume the Pony Express rides again.
Resurrected from the graveyard of bad ideas by our friends at UCF.
How else but by rider and fastest horse(?) could we explain the amazing speed, and dedication to service we witnessed in the discharge of this duty under such harrowing conditions.
Next time for me personally I'd really really appreciate it if your rider 'er I mean driver tried tying the package down to the saddle bag rather than dragging it behind the fucking horse...

Thanks UCF, making a living in this economic climate isn't hard enough.
You're two weeks late, left me a hundred grand short, and an incredibly bad taste in my mouth for brown.

The Ubiquitous Mr. Brown

Source: Google Images

Everyone around the developed world is familiar with the sight of the UPS truck and driver, cloaked in baby shit brown delivering packages in various states of destruction.

Some like myself have had other, shall we say more memorable experiences with Mr. Brown; like the time they lost my banking and tax info within Los Angeles County... for more than a year!

This time however, they've really outdone their usual incompetence.

I was scheduled this past Monday to fly to Dallas for a sales presentation; one week prior to my departure I made the grave error of entrusting a shipment of my sales tools, one thousand dollars worth of DMX lighting controls, to UPS.

That shipment originating January 7, 2013 was due to arrive in Dallas, Monday the 14th of January, just in time for my $100,000 presentation, and in fact was in Mesquite Texas as of the 12th of January.
Guess what? It didn't make it.

Where is it now dear reader? Why it's on it's way to Stockton California of course! About 250 miles north of where it originated. Insert circus clown music here:
"Doot, doot doodle, doodle, doot, doot, doo doo..."

Visual Approximation

I mean if you can't read a shipping label wouldn't you decide to put that package on a cross country calliope too? UPS clearly believes that it's better to ship a package repeatedly around the nation to parts unknown, rather than pick up a telephone and call the account holder who shipped it.

That's what I call genius.

Given the nature of this company's way of doing business, I feel it necessary to promote a new name for this mismanaged freight giant.

From this day forward the UPS company shall be known as the UCF:

Unbelievable Cluster Fuck

The new company motto:

"How Can Brown Fuck You?"

                   or

"Flush Your Business Down with Mr. Brown"